This is the place:

Gay, Mormon and married: an example of grace and love

By Matt Stephens

LOGAN-- A small, intimate tavern is a place where you expect to have a cozy atmosphere, good friends, and lively conversation. This is how it was at Mulligan's Social Club in Logan a few nights ago. Good friends sat around a tall table just below the raised bar, sipping cocktails and having yet another interesting conversation.

"I remember the day I found out that my father was gay," Bess Dunn recollects. "I was sitting on a cabinet in the bathroom when my mother came in and told me."

Bess sits at the side of the table, animated in her discussion, occasionally brushing her recently cut red hair from her mouth as she articulates what it was like to be a part of a family whose father came out of the closet after years of marriage, four children, and religious activity.

"You know something, it actually made sense," Bess tells her friends as the conversation begins to go deeper.

Others around the table, drawn to the conversational atmosphere of the bar, join in the talk about being gay; some relate their own experiences of having to come out and how they are coping with their lives.

Bess says in the past her parents' relationship seemed to be lacking something. Her father, Steve Dunn, was seldom happy, despite her parents' loving relationship.

"My parents were always close; they were best friends. My father always related extremely well to her," Bess says. "But something did not seem right."

Bess takes some time to gather herself and comprehend what she is saying. The people sitting around the table offer comforting looks and wait for her to speak again. Another round of drinks is ordered, and Bess leans forward in the tall chair to continue her story.

She says her mother, Allison Dunn, found out her husband was gay when she found a book entitled Loving Someone Gay. In the margins of the book were Steve's own notes and feelings. Allison confronted Steve and talked about it, and then the floodgates opened and it all came out.

Bess was 16 years old then, and she responded to her father coming out as just a part of life.

"For some reason it did not even faze me," Bess says emphatically, looking at the others around the table. "It was not even a choice, it was just a piece of information that you dealt with."

Now at 24 years old Bess looks back on her life and can see why having a gay father was never a problem. She talks about her childhood and the values that were instilled in her family. Her family was taught, from the beginning, to never have any hatred towards any religion, race, culture, or sexuality. Their values were always of acceptance of everyone, she says.

The Dunn family was always a close-knit unit. They could often be found sitting around the kitchen table just talking and listening to the silly antics of her younger twin brothers. Often times the invitations to join the Dunn family were extended to good friends and sometimes even former students of Allison's.

Bess again pauses and attempts to change the conversation, yet at this point the others around the table are too enthralled to let her stop. Again she begins to talk, this time with a more serious undertone. Her listeners lightly lean forward in anticipation.

She says that about the same time her father announced he was gay, the family had to deal with another piece of information that would change their lives: Allison, Bess's mother, was diagnosed with cancer.

This was a particularly devastating blow. Allison underwent aggressive chemotherapy treatments and a bone marrow transplant. While receiving care for her cancer, Allison and Steve talked openly about being gay. They spoke to large groups and individual people about what they were experiencing and how they were getting through it. Allison and Steve continued to challenge the stereotypes and misconceptions, becoming spokespersons for gay rights.

Bess says despite Steve being gay, and Allison's deteriorating condition the thought of divorce was only fleeting.

"We wanted to continue to love each other... make sure our relationship was healthy, and we could model for our kids that no matter how difficult the issue, no matter how horrendous the problem we can attack it in a way that no one is hurt, and with grace and love," wrote Steve in the Family Fellowship Newsletter.

Bess says the family values instilled in the Dunn residence taught their entire family to accept people for who they were. There would be no ostracism on her part and her family remained close despite everything falling apart around them.

At the time Steve announced he was gay it was still extremely taboo. Bess describes her parents as out and open, and says that was unique, for that time. The whole family seemed willing and open to talk about their relationship.

"They were very adult in their conversations. There was a lot of love, they were best friends," says Bess. "She wished everyone was the same way."

Unfortunately, the world outside the Dunn house was not as understanding as the rest of her family. During some of the hardest months of Allison's cancer treatment and Steve's lifestyle the family underwent severe scrutiny from family, neighbors, and the Mormon Church.

"We lost three-fourths of our family," Bess says, because they were not able to understand what was going on. "In addition to our family, my parents were talking to people in the Mormon Church, including stake presidents, and a disciplinary council."

The Mormon Church believes it is a sin to be homosexual, and it is considered a broken covenant. The Mormon faith has a list of covenants that its members must obey in order to get married in the church and to be active in it. Being gay is in direct contradiction to those covenants laid out by the church and its members. However, they believe a person can resist their feelings through fasting, prayer, the truths of the gospel, church attendance, counsel and professional assistance.

Bess says her father loved the Mormon Church, but that he did not have a choice in being gay. Steve tried everything, she says: praying, fasting and everything else that was suggested. It was no use: after it all, Steve was still gay.

Steve and Allison had already discussed in depth what was happening and came to the conclusion that it could not be helped. This was something that her father had been struggling with since the time he was in high school.

Bess says her father continued to doubt his feelings. He had confessed them to his bishop when he was a teenager and was assured that if he repented he would be fine. Her father repented for a year, then he went on a Mormon mission, and subsequently held many positions in the Mormon Church including being a bishop for four years. Still, those feeling persisted.

"I remember my parents went before a council to plead their case, but they made no headway. My dad explained that he was gay, and that was just who he was," Bess says. "The people that we lost as a result of my father being gay were just people who did not understand that he is still a great man. Except for a very few close friends, we overcame seemingly insurmountable barriers without any support from the LDS church or extended family,"

In his autobiography, Steve Dunn wrote: "After years of unfailing devotion to the church, I hoped for wisdom and charity. What I received from the church was swift condemnation and total alienation, Everyone distanced himself or herself from us offering neither reassurance nor solace."

Despite the hardships of Allison's cancer and biased ostracism from former friends and family, things began to calm down. In some instances the clouds broke and blue sky was visible on the horizon. Steve and Allison continued to live together and they continued to be open about gay relationships.

Ever since her father came out he has been happier and more productive, says Bess. Her parents and the rest her family still loved each other and close friends were always there to lend a helping hand and be supportive of their situation.

Steve was happy and Allison responded well to cancer treatments; her situation was improving and doctors assured her that if the cancer stayed away for three years she would be in the clear.

As the third year approached, Allison's cancer came back. She again fought it with determination and more treatments. On March 27, 2001, Allison passed away amidst friends, family and her still-devoted gay husband.

At her funeral Allison's best friend, Annette Haws, spoke. "She and Steve taught us about tolerance and love," Haws said. "They modeled wonderful behavior. They demonstrated a love we don't typically associate with marriage. They were devoted. And, in the end, I think their relationship was probably much closer than most married people. It was a beautiful thing to watch."

Bess recalls Annette, and how much help and support she offered throughout the years. She was just part of the family, Bess says.

"I lived in an extremely comfortable home and my parents were together until the end. They were the best of friends and perhaps the best example of how a marriage should be," Bess says.

She sits back in her seat and breathes in a huge breath. The whole conversation seems to be a period of catharsis for Bess. Her friends sit still, in awe at the story related to them. The crowds have cleared out from the bar long before Bess finishes her story.

The people sitting around the table finally rise to their feet and walk arm-in-arm to the front door of the tavern, feeling closer than when they arrived.

Outside the air is cool and crisp and the friends say goodbye as they part ways, and walk with a lighter step, feeling better knowing that there are people in the world who, perhaps out of tragedy, are the epitome of love and tolerance.

- taken from Utah State University, Hard News Cafe Archive